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Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Robert Frost - The Road Not Taken
Ok, I’m done. I had a two hour phone conversation with my sister this afternoon, rambled quite a bit to my flatmate, and wrote Kayv quite a long e-mail so really I feel that I’ve nothing left to say that I’ve not said already today. So instead I posted some lyrics and a couple of poems to maybe give you an idea of where I’m at.
xxx
Tash*
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September 2nd, 2003
When the spent sun throws up its rays on cloud
And goes down burning into the gulf below,
No voice in nature is heard to cry aloud
At what has happened. Birds, at least must know
It is the change to darkness in the sky.
Murmuring something quiet in her breast,
One bird begins to close a faded eye;
Or overtaken too far from his nest,
Hurrying low above the grove, some waif
Swoops just in time to his remembered tree.
At most he thinks or twitters softly, ‘Safe!
Now let the night be dark for all of me.
Let the night be too dark for me to see
Into the future. Let what will be, be.’
- Robert Frost - Acceptance
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September 2nd, 2003
I sit and wait
Does an angel contemplate my fate
And do they know
The places where we go
When we’re grey and old
coz I’ve been told
That salvation lets their wings unfold
So when I’m lying in my bed
Thoughts running through my head
And I feel that love is dead
I’m loving angels instead
(Chorus )
And through it all
She offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I’m right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won’t break me
When I come to call
She won’t forsake me
I’m loving angels instead
When I’m feeling weak
And my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
And I know I’ll always be blessed with love
And as the feeling grows
She breathes flesh to my bones
And when love is dead
I’m loving angels instead
- Robbie Williams - Angels.
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September 2nd, 2003
Wow, this is some freaky shit. I was reading through old logs of conversations with a certain someone tonight, and I came across this url: www.colorgenics.com
I did it ages ago but don’t remember the results, and besides I think they change all the time depending on where you’re at emotionally etc.
I did a few tests tonight and they were all completely accurate. One was so accurate in fact that I had to share it:
Your Mood: You are probably feeling overwhelmed at the moment. It is as if you have too much on your plate and need time out. Perhaps you need a rest so that you can recharge your batteries; at the moment do not feel ready to take on more challenges. You feel more determined than usual and are not prepared to put up with unnecessary delay or restriction. Not in the mood to be told what to do you resent anyone trying to control your behavior. You do not want to be held back at this time.
Your Present Situation: Your present situation is overwhelming you and your response is to become increasingly stubborn and idealistic. Because you feel unable to handle everything that is going on, it’s easier to break down and ignore the issues.You want to escape a stressful situation in your life but are afraid of the consequences. You worry that if you make changes you will be worse off. In a sense you are torn between your need to break out and the risks to your security that any changes might bring.
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September 1st, 2003
Well I don’t really have much to say today. Work was pretty hectic which seems to be the pattern lately however this morning I was actually looking forward to a less busy couple of days… no such luck!
Talk about coincidence though, after blogging on here last night and mentioning how much I was missing Kayv a long e-mail arrived from him about 2 minutes after 
I need to check when Father’s Day is. I think it’s this weekend or the next and I’ve actually been thinking I should send my Dad a card or something. I think that would be nice.
Like I said… not much to say. I’m not feeling or thinking much right now. Was so knackered when I came home I sat down and did some knitting for a while. It’s like meditating.
Gotta go write a couple of e-mails… Am trying to stay up-to-date with those too!
xxx
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August 26th, 2003
Well, it’s been a little over a week I guess since I posted here. Last time I was so emotionally distraught but the thing is with me I get so worked up about things it never lasts very long. Then I collapse exhausted feeling like I’ve just been hit by a hurricane.
I sent the ring back on Tuesday. I’d never had any intention of keeping it, regardless of what he might think. The reason I had held off at first was because he had told me he was glad I hadn’t sent the stuff back yet… that he wasn’t sure he was doing the right thing. Then after that I just wanted to make sure he sent me the suitcase money. That was important to me because I’ve always been a giver and I’ve given and lost so many things to past boyfriends that this time I just felt it was important to ask for something back.
That night I only told him I would keep the ring because I was hurt and angry and I knew of no other way to bug him. And apparently it did bug him because over the next couple of days there was a lot of e-mailing back and forth. Some of it quite nasty and to be honest in the end I was just so exhausted I just wanted it to all be over and for him to just leave me alone. I guess I realised no matter how much explaining I did he was never going to see my perspective because he just wasn’t even going to try - he just couldn’t give a flying fuck. And why should I go on being sad and hurting over someone who just doesn’t give a fuck. So I deleted his last e-mail without replying and I sent him the stuff back without a note or anything. I just hope he stays away.
I’ve been absolutely fine ever since.
Fine about him, that is. Don’t ask me about my beliefs in love or relationships or marriage right now… I’m not quite clear on those yet. Right now it seems like relationships are the most unnatural thing we could ever subject ourselves to.
Work has been busy again… very busy and challenging and I’ve been sinking my teeth into it and actually enjoying it.
On the home front, I’d been looking to move out by myself or just move as I wasn’t sure I could live with Trace anymore - a lot of little things just finally got to me. And sometimes it’s not so little things to me - like the fact that I’m sitting here now simmering under the surface because she used up all the hot water washing her hair and she knows that I always have a quick shower when I get home from work usually because I’m in pain and the hot water provides soothing relief. But obviously she doesn’t care too much about that. That’s the problem with Trace - she can be such a selfish cow. Always. Even way back when we were at school.
And then there’s the not being sure about wanting to live with a small baby who will be crawling soon and into all my things (all the furniture in the place is mine). I’m not sure… I’m still very confused about what to do. Part of me thinks that Trace and Presley are my family and we are happy most of the time and we do have a lovely home. Then if I wanted to live by myself I’d have to move away from the East and the ocean and probably forego an outdoor area - so there, I’m confused.
Can’t just stay here forever but maybe it’s not the time to move yet and I’m just in a frenzied panic because since I broke up with Don it feels like I have to re-evaluate my whole life. Silly really isn’t it.
I’m also really aching for Lakotah - if you don’t know, Lakotah is the little dog I dream of getting and have yearned for so long now. I’ve seen the kind I want - gorgeous little thing full of character and looking much like an Ewok. I talked to Trace about it again yesterday and she would be ok with me getting it.
I’d have to check with the landlord. One of my biggest reservations was that I’m gone for 11 hours a day during the week. The good thing is while I’m living with Trace she would be here a lot since she’s a single stay-at-home mum.
But what after that? having a pet seriously diminishes rental opportunities. I don’t know if I should be caring about that right now. I mean if we always thought so much about ifs and buts we’d never do anything right?
Said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m really missing Kayv at the moment. He keeps me updated on the Japan factor which is great … but even though I miss him I’m still crap at replying when I should. I’m just so used to him always being here when I want to talk to him. I’m glad he’s doing what he’s doing though - he seems to be loving it.
Anyway, can’t write too much in one go can I!
xx
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August 25th, 2003
I let some angry words spew out of me tonight. You know how it is? when you feel so sick inside and you think ‘if only I could just vomit I’d be ok?’. That’s how it was. But I was so angry. So angry.
So angry that someone I could have let so close could treat me with so little respect and consideration. And now that all is said, all I can do is cry because no matter what I say I still don’t understand. I’m still clawing at the misshapen heap that once was ‘us’. I’m still feeling Indigo as a vacancy in my womb.
And Curt will be disappointed that I let this happen. That I lost my cool. But where the hell is he?
I was spiteful. I said I wasn’t going to send the ring back. That I was going to keep it as compensation for his being such an arsehole. I couldn’t believe he found no compassion within him. Maybe he doesn’t understand… if I were to put it into pictures it was like this… picture the scene:
The good woman struggling to control her hysteria at the unexpected blow from the man who was once such a tender lover and now looked at her so cold as though she were an empty shell. The blow was minor perhaps by a man’s standards but she had not expected to see him and she was suddenly like a doe caught in the spotlight. Terrified of what might happen or what might be said. Confused. And then he coldly says what he had to say to her. Not much has changed for him, he just wakes at a different hour. And in her mind she’s pleading with him, pathetically clutching on to him, slipping down to the ground and holding on to his leg and begging to understand. And though in reality all he said was ‘take care’ before virtually slamming the door in her face, to her bruised heart and head and ego he might as well have kicked her repeatedly and spat on her.
And then she sits alone on the floor and catches sight of herself in the window. She’s a mess. Tortured. And then she gets angry. Angry at the humiliation, wanting to tear her insides out and wishing she’d never felt.
And look… now he’s replied just enough times to soften me out of my anger towards him. Just long enough to turn it around on me and tell me that I was the one dealing out the low blows. Just enough times for me to explain myself yet again. And no reply. Nothing from him.
God it must be great to be so unfeeling and to see a woman you once thought was so great grovelling and crying at your feet.
Else it must be so great to just be able to forget so easily and to just re-adjust your schedule a little and move on without a second thought. You know, maybe if he had a great life I wouldn’t find that so insulting. But the truth is, it’s not a great life. It’s a parody. He told me himself when he was here that he did more with me in the first two weeks he was here, than he’d done in the last 3 years. What does that tell you?
And now it’s back to that dilemma. Do I send him back the ring or not. Can I send him back the words he said when he proposed? can we just rewind on the whole thing and pretend it never happened?
“I wanted to get you something different… because you’re different. My whole life I could never have imagined meeting someone as amazing as you…” Sorry, I don’t remember the exact words because I was so overcome and crying but the basic gist was that now that he had found me he never wanted to let me go and would I marry him.
Well, it turns out never was a mighty short time. And the person who comes along once in a lifetime if you’re lucky was after all quite disposable.
No, try as I might, I’ll never understand it.
I think I have to stay away from love - it’s too cruel for me.
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August 17th, 2003
Once my lover
Now my friend
What a cruel thing
To pretend
What a cunning way
To condescend
Once my lover and
Now my friend
Oh, you creep up
Like the clouds
And you set my soul at ease
Then you let
Your love abound
And you bring me
To my knees
Oh, it’s evil, babe
The way you let
Your grace enrapture me
When will you know
I’d be insane
To ever let that
Dirty game recapture me
You made me
A shadowboxer, baby
I wanna be ready
For what you do
I’ve been swinging
All around me
‘Cause I don’t know
When you’re gonna
Make your move
Oh, your gaze
Is dangerous
And you fill your
Space so sweet
If I let you
Get too close
You’ll set your
Spell on me
So darlin’
I just wanna say
Just in case
I don’t come through
I was on to every play
I just wanted you
But, oh, it’s so evil
My love
The way you’ve no
Reverence to my concern
So I’ll be sure to
Stay wary of you, love
To save the pain of
Once my flame and
Twice my burn
You made me
A shadowboxer, baby
I wanna be ready
For what you do
I’ve been swinging
All around me
‘Cause I don’t know
When you’re gonna
Make your move
- “Shadowboxer” - Fiona Apple (Tidal)
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August 17th, 2003
I went tripping down memory lane with Trace tonight. Places I hadn’t been for a very long time.
Do you remember how we were? How we talked and shared and trusted? How it was you and me against the world?
You were my muse. I’ve never had another.
There are some things you never allow yourself to think about for whatever reason. But someone opened a door a few days ago… only a crack mind, but that’s all it takes.
How I loved you, Angel boy. And how you hurt me.
And how I hurt you in turn, but you might never know… never know how much and how I hurt myself not trying.
You put me at a crossroad and my life has changed so much since then. The choices I made on a gut feeling. “I’m leaving you” we used to laugh. “I’m leaving you” until one day I did. And as happy as I was, so thirsty for new beginnings, I was torn.
I’ll have to find those poems - I’m sure they must be here somewhere.
Remember how we used to be? You’d paint and I’d write.
There is something so profound and meaningful about those days. Not just because of you but because of me and who I was and where I was and because of Carls and who we were and where we were.
I always say that I’ve no regrets about my life, that there’s nothing I’d do over again if given the choice… but if I could choose a time to go back to? A time when I wasn’t always happy but I was somehow in step with life, it would be then.
It would be a return to innocence (cue Enigma)
xx
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August 14th, 2003
Bad bad me hasn’t written for a few days. You can’t just leave your blog on a note like that!
Well sorry… to fill you in, my health hasn’t been so good the last couple of weeks and I’m going through a very painful flare-up and quite frankly sick of downing pain killers. BUT it’ll pass… it always does. Everything does eventually.
I spent the weekend way out West with my Mum at my grandmother’s place. It was good to see some family. It hurt a bit thought… Last time I was there and saw them all was with He Who Must Not Be Named so it brought back a lot of memories.
Still, we had a nice time apart from the fact I was completely unwell and in agony. I somehow managed to finish the beautiful scarf I was knitting - Trace is putting the fringing on it as we speak. My uncle also brought me his guitar, so as soon as this inflammation eases off I reckon I’ll be starting on my lessons!
I went and met my beautiful friend Casey for dinner tonight… she’s 4.5 months pregnant! It’s so lovely to see and it was awesome seeing her. We don’t see each other enough but then we’re both so busy and also love our time alone.
I also got a reply from my beloved Carls today… it made me all teary as usual.
“Why do they cast aside diamonds for stones?”, she asks.
I have no idea
But I have been letting myself think about it more these past few days instead of blocking it out and forging ahead. I’m trying to process it all now and I’m feeling rather humbled and sometimes foolish and so miss that beautiful person in my life… because he really is a beautiful person.
It will pass in time, right?
xx
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August 12th, 2003
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