from the void

Looking back

February 2nd, 2004

Words have been calling out to me lately. I’m feeling them close but not close enough and I miss them. I miss the sound and taste of them. I miss pairing them up, folding them into each other to make sentences, to give voice to the heart and a home to my spirit.

People have been approaching me about my writing of late. Some because of the website I’m currently building, others … others, well I’m not sure why. Perhaps like me they feel a quickening; the wind is picking up to carry me on my way. And yet I feel as though there are things that I must do before I set off… things that I must see.

In the introduction to Postcards I muse about how I started to write. Now I find myself examining how or where I stopped, that I might see my way again through the veils around my heart. It’s not a tricky question, if I let myself go back there I know exactly when it happened. I even know why it happened, and that to me is perhaps the scariest of all. I was broken and I didn’t know how to fix myself. I didn’t know how to hold on tight to that belief that love conquers all and that it is enough to love without needing to hold it tightly in my fist. I still don’t know. I would like to believe there is a love that can stay, a love that could melt into me and be free. But I didn’t know how to love and that was my shame. I didn’t know how to BE in the face of love… and I guess neither did he.

So I know when I stopped writing. When I couldn’t bear to look into the reflection of my own eyes let alone my soul. When I had failed at the one thing I thought I would be best at. When I discovered I wasn’t as loyal as I thought and that loneliness makes us cowardly… it’s possible to be the loneliest of all with the person we love the most.

I broke apart and fell to pieces and really I had thought I’d got myself back together. I knew I was changed, but I didn’t know just how much. But I should have known, because I couldn’t write about it. That’s how I should have known. So I think this is the first tentative step.

Share This

Entry Filed under: Life the Universe and Everything, Sharing is Caring, The Written Word